Are You the MVP of Your Marriage?

Here’s the crux of it all: I have to be still and receive the love and life only available in Jesus. It is a gift – not something I score with my own sweat. And when I do this, I can bring the same things into my marriage and home…

Winning never felt so bad.

I’m outworking and outscoring everyone around me.

Who’s my competition? Just the people I love most: my family.

Have you ever felt like you are keeping score in your marriage?

Sometimes it’s neck and neck.

And sometimes the scoreboard looks really lopsided…

If it were a basketball game, the deficit would be too big to overcome. Spectators on the winning side would lose their minds.

But don’t cheer me on. This is a game that should never happen in the first place.

I’m emerging out of a season of score-keeping in my own marriage and family. I’ve been the MVP alright, but more accurately defined as “Most Virtuous Player” – just a little self-righteous?

I’m realizing that the athlete and business leader in me wants everyone doing their part. Define your role and responsibilities and work hard for the team.

And when they don’t, I start to either see them as the opposing team or I go in hyper-coaching mode.

I have a bad habit of standing on my soapbox and telling my husband and kids all that I do while pointing out all that they don’t (but should) do.

A scoreboard is very demotivating for my kids and for my husband. And for me, it just creates this illusion that I am the only one doing anything. And the gap widens.

When 

The problem is not the scoreboard. 

The problem is not how many times I have to ask or remind my husband or kids to do their part. 

The problem is not how much there is to get done. 

The problem is not my husband.

The problem is not my kids.

When the problems are actually

Lack of grace. 

Lack of humility. 

Lack of perspective. 

Lack of patience. 

Lack of gratitude.

Lack of faith.

In Psalm 13, we find David lamenting about how long he must suffer. How long he must wait for the Lord to answer him. How long does he have to sit in the yuck of his circumstances. And then… his heart is reminded that we can trust in the Lord.

How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart daily? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, Lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed against him”; Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

In the act of score keeping in our marriages, we are sounding a lot like David in the beginning of this Psalm: Why must I keep waiting for you to do chores? Why do I have to do everything? When will I get help? When will my spouse change? When will my kids just do things without being asked? How long must I remain the pillar of righteousness?

(Ouch.)

Is that the posture God wants for our hearts? No.

Does God need us to judge for Him, pointing out what everyone else is doing wrong? No.

Does God want us to feed the illusion of our own false perfection? No.

Instead, our hearts need to soften as David’s did and remember how God has shown up in our lives. How He has dealt bountifully (abundance undeserved!) with us. He wants our hearts to sing His praises for He has been so good to us!

And He wants us to look at our marriages and remember that they are a gift from Him – a way to carry the good news and shine His light. He wants us to see our marriages as legacy builders. He wants us to forget about the scoreboard.

But how do we do that?

We stay firmly rooted in the truth that Jesus settled the score. Grace doesn’t keep score.

There is never a deficit too big for Him to overcome.

He’s not leaving the game early.

He’s not even interested in the score.

He’s interested in our HEARTS.

Because Jesus is not keeping score, because Jesus died for us while we were still sinners, then surely we can extend that grace and love to our spouse and our children – even when we think they aren’t “performing” or “pulling their weight.”

Here’s the crux of it all: I have to be still and receive the love and life only available in Jesus. It is a gift – not something I score with my own sweat. And when I do this, I can bring the same things into my marriage and home  – even in the midst of unfairness or dysfunction. Stop. Receive. And share.

When we’re all playing for something greater, we’ll stop chasing stats, titles, and records. We can step back and remember how far we’ve come as a “team” and that our worth is not determined by points scored in life anyway – our worth is found in Jesus. I’m going to try to lean into Jesus – the one who is not keeping score – and turn away from the culture that is.