Conflicted & Human
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My husband Joe and I love student ministries, but leading small groups of students together got a little trickier after having a baby. I have a vivid memory of one fall student retreat when our son was 4-months old:
My bags were packed, Jaxon was in his car seat ready to go, and Joe pulled into the driveway and started to load the car with my bags. Just as he picked up the car seat, we both smelled something – “nose-goes” for who’s going to change the diaper – Joe lost! He unbuckled Jax, lifted him out, and screamed, “Ew! Oh my gosh!” A blow out indeed. I came to his rescue, and realized that Jax had poop all the way up to his hair.
I was laughing hysterically, but Joe had to leave the room. As I clean up Jax, I can hear Joe in the bathroom getting sick…he just couldn’t handle it. Like the good wife that I am, I stifle my laugh when I hear him say “Oh…no. Oh no!” The toilet was beginning to overflow.
I laid the baby down, ran to the bathroom to help, but all I could do was panic as water poured out of the toilet. I saw the stress on his face, and burst out laughing!
So. Many. Emotions in a matter of minutes. (Are you stressed and laughing all while reading this too?)
In that moment I learned that it was not abnormal to feel two feelings at the same time. And if you reflect on enough scenarios in your home, I am sure you could say the same.
Have you ever:
adored your three-year-old’s endless energy and imagination, yet longed for bedtime to enjoy some peace and freaking quiet? (No, just me?)
been honored to have a new job, but had no idea what you’re doing? (It’s like simultaneously feeling like the star of the show and an extra in your own movie!)
cheered on your friend’s baby’s milestones while hiding a stash of comparison charts that only you and your stressed-out brain know about?
applauded your friends for building their dream house while hiding your own bill stack behind the couch cushions?
given a friend some of the best relationship advice on the planet while you’re struggling to apply it to your own relationship?
said, “screen time is bad…” and used it to keep the kids quiet for a full 45 minutes? (I’ll take the loss, haters.)
The great theologian, Daniel…Tiger probably says it best when he sings, “Sometimes you feel two feelings at the same time, and that’s okay.” (Any other Daniel Tiger fans or enemies? He’s the most annoying, best babysitter I have.)
For us humans, two opposites can certainly coexist at the same time. I both love and hate Daniel Tiger. And sometimes I know the truth, and manage to venture away anyway.
I think Jesus showed us this too.
We see Him:
sitting on the throne AND succumbing to a terribld death
choosing suffering and the Cross for the love of the world AND asking God for another way
Conflicted.
In the Psalms, you may have noticed that the authors live in this tension of crying out/being angry with God and praising Him with joy and adoration.
They show us how to navigate despair AND have faith in the Father.
They experience painful heartbreak AND believe God is good.
Psalm 10 begins:
O Lord, why do you stand so far away? Why do you hide when I am in trouble? The wicked arrogantly hunt down the poor. Let them be caught in the evil they plan for others.
And ends with:
The LORD is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land. You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry…
The author is acknowledging, “God, even though I don’t feel close to you, I still know that you listen to me and care about me.”
Many of the Psalms sound like this one, and I find it so comforting.
Recently, my son Jaxon’s school made a big mistake that impacted resources for him and the possibility of a truancy officer coming to my door because of Jax being pulled out of school for therapy. I had to file a complaint and call a meeting with the superintendent of his school. It was the most intimidating meeting I have been a part of to date.
I found myself crying out to God in anger, feeling sorry for myself and all other parents who have kids with special needs – another unnecessary hoop to jump through. Feeling saddened that my child has to struggle his way through school as a nonverbal student.
I am always crying out “God, Why?! Why me? Why this? This couldn’t have been your plan for my life or for his!
I feel incredibly unfit. I am living in grief. I feel like an exhausted advocate and a burnt-out caregiver.
AND
I also feel so incredibly close to God.
Honestly, the ups and the downs coexisting cause me whiplash, but I see God’s hand in the doctors who were smart enough to press into the genetic world and create tests that found Jaxon’s disorder. I see God’s faithfulness and pursuit when I come across other special-needs parents who are new to the game and are desperately longing for community and resources.
Lament and faith can absolutely work together.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:26
I think sometimes we approach God like we have to “handle with care” or only admire Him. But I don’t think God is surprised by the way we handle or cope with things that break our hearts. I don’t think He’s surprised because he once walked on this broken earth too.
My hope is that whatever your hard is, you would allow yourself to feel – while also knowing that the foundation beneath your feet is strong when you have Christ.